Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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