you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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