I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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