my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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