there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
