And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
