the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
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