Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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