If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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