I want to walk on stilts...naked
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
