don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
