No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
