maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
