My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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