WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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