I faked an abortion last night.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
