??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
