I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
