I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
