This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
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