i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
