I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Success! We fucked roommates!
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