I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
