We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
