there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
