just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
