How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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