I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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