Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
