Where did you get a picture of my penis
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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