I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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