dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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