my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
