I just saw a hot homeless man
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
