Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
