he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
