Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
