I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
