I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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