I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
