hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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