I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
