i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
