I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
