you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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