She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Randomize
