Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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