woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
