But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
