i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
