considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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