If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
