Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
