Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
