lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Drake has all the answers
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
