She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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