so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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